Holiday Cheer

Posted: November 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

hgtree

Return to Sender

Seering heat radiates from above. The pavement on this long, lonely desert road is being baked by the apacolyptic sun of 2012. Like a decades old stale brownie, forgotten on the kitchen table. A lone figure steps forward, sweating profusely over his cracked shadow. In a hallucination provoked by the temperature he looks up. He see’s visions in the colored sky. “Yes, I am your President. There is no other god but Obama. Let it be known that America has been initiated by its first Muslim homosexual reptilian President. I would also like to announce my new replacements for V.P. and Joints Chiefs of Staff. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Big Bird and Jay Z.”

Slapping himself into some sense, the sweat splat’s and flies from his face into immediate evaporation.  “What’s the alternative?”, the voice in his head famishly mutters. “Whats the use…of the alternative?  It’s the Mormon Mark of the Beast.  This Romney guy belongs to an evil business cult.  No one in Utah can buy or sell…or prosper without joining the club.  Or showing promise of joining the club.  Utah…the third highest homosexual population in the U.S…. but pay no mind.  All those fairies and Liberals in their Ikea castles are card-carrying members and tithe payers to Joseph Smith’s most marketable sci-fi creation.  America is finished…rigged elections or not…”  In a slight moment of dehydrated clarity, on this seering and endless road, he realized it.  This is how GOD destroys us.  Revelations in real-time.  The devil has delivered his Screwtape Letter R.S.V.P.

=by Paul Marshall, Frankenstorm Sandy week 2012

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By now many of you are jaded from the blitzkrieg of political ads and news.  One of the many jobs I’ve done is conduct political polls surrounding elections, with the smallest to the largest polling firms in the world.  I have done this from the Bush/Gore election all the way up to the Obama/Romney election.  It is likely that I have chatted with you and millions of others on the phone over the years.  

       Any suspicions you may have about push polling designed to influence rather than gather opinions, corrupt organizations who pay for and publish the poll results, political spin being dispersed under the guise of collecting opinion data and skewed results sent to the client by the criminals in the firms, is of course more true than you will ever believe.  For a brief analysis, here are a couple of examples of the scripts we were hired to relay to our respondents:

Greetings.  This is blankety blank with Target Practice Consulting.  We are doing a scientific public opinion shafting with our polling firm and would greatly appreciate your help in propagating our propaganda in the proper proportions of your participation. 

  We would like to ask you about the California initiative for green energy that legalizes marijauna; otherwise known as weed, cannibus, bud, chronic, skank, dope, mary jane, grass, ganja, roach, dank, buddah and pot.  For medical purposes, of course. 

(Start with qualifying questions)

First of all, how many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  1. Zero.  Potheads are too lazy to screw.
  2. Four to sniff the glue while the other four clean up the broken glass.
  3. Six to finish the brownies while the same six read the directions on screwing in a light bulb.

Great.  You now qualify for our scientific study.  We like to ask you about your medical uses for prescribed cannabis please.

Do you require prescribed cannabis doses due for:

  1. Glaucoma
  2. Addiction to said cannabis
  3. Religious ritual to the Mighty Ganja god
  4. Required brownie recipes for guys night at rehab
  5. Weekly test for smoke detectors, lest hemp bags and hemp rope in emergency survival kit catches fire spontaneously during busy viewing of “That 70’ Show”.
  6. Glaucoma brought on by excessive PlayStation gaming during religious intermission at rehab brownie night after Ganja god worship service before watching “That 70’s Show” while smoking too much dope.

Also, what activities occupy your time between doses?  Would it be:

  1. Drinking Mountain Dew
  2. Watching a Grateful Dead laser show at the Planetarium, even 3 hours after the show ended.
  3. Watching footage of the Mary J. Blige  interview at the Democratic National Convention.
  4. Majoring in gender studies
  5. Skating off rails all day after school, hanging off cliffs, snow boarding or competing in some way for the X Games.

(2ND example below)

This is blank from Target Practice Consulting and we’re doing a prompt public opinion survey and would ‘preciate people of poignant powers and profiles of projecting perception perfectly parallel with perpetually keen points and perhaps pithy positions, to be polled, such as yourself.

  We’d like to ask you about gun rights and wild game in West Virginia, pretty please? (See if respondent qualifies with preliminary questions first)

First of all, are you married to your:

  1. Sister
  2. Cousin
  3. Both

Also, is your meth lab located in:

  1. the kitchen
  2. under the sofa in the front yard
  3. outsourced to Salt Lake City, Utah

(Qualifying questions will prompt you to survey and/or D.E.A hotline)

Great.  Now we can get started.  Do you hunt for wild game such as duck?

(If he/she says NO assume he/she is lying and hasn’t renewed duck hunting license.  Continue with survey)

If you’re hunting for duck and see a Liberal doing number two behind a tree, do you:

  1. shoot the duck you are originally pointing at
  2. shoot the Liberal in the buttocks and hope for the worst
  3. call Ted Nugent on your radar detector/C.B. radio/20 way swiss knife/walkie talkie and ask if he’s hungry tonight for bird or rump roast

What is your race/ethnicity?

  1. Irish                           D.  mostly sober Irish
  2. ¾ Irish                      E.  Leprechano  (half Chicano/half Irish)
  3. Northern Irish

-by Paul Marshall   scriptwriter, the real Slim Shady

Holiday Cheer by Paul Marshall

Act I

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  ‘Scuse me, can you help me? I’m looking for a Mr. Potato Head….

MERCHANT CLERK:  Yeah, right down here we have some Potato Heads. Different kinds….[as he walks her a couple of aisles back in the direction he came from, he visually checks the wrong aisle and goes one over to the correct one. At this point he’s already dizzy from running across the store for three other customers]  Our sale for $3.99 ended at 1 o’clock. Watch the prices here, we have many different varieties.

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  Hmm…there’s another one. [thinking about the one she doesn’t see]

MERCHANT CLERK:  We have some Toy Story 3 Potato Heads up front.

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  Actually I’m looking for the classic model. It’s a little different.

MERCHANT CLERK:  [he looks in a spot and notices a Toy Story 3 model on the shelf] Oh hey, there’s  one of those. [he points at the box]

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  No, it’s gotta be a classic model.

MERCHANT CLERK:  [he looks at the models on the shelf and notices a couple of them look like a normal Mr. Potato Head, to the best of his recollection. He points at one]  Like this one?

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  No, it’s not right. I need a classic Potato Head.

MERCHANT CLERK:  [he’s starting to get infuriated as he stares at her in amazement]  What’s different about this? Wrong size? Wrong parts?

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  It’s not the right one. Do you have others?

MERCHANT CLERK:  No. We have many right here. Plus, these basic looking Potato Heads. [contention starts to rise in his voice]

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  No. I want the classic model.

MERCHANT CLERK:  What are we doing, splitting hairs here? [noticably agitated] We’ve got two normal looking Mr. Potato Heads right here! If it’s the price, we can work with you on it.

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  [she nods her head as to say no]

MERCHANT CLERK:  [clearly perturbed}  Yeah, your right. This one’s nose is too Jewish. Definetely not a classic model.

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  [she’s not amused]

MERCHANT CLERK:  Since we’re nitpicking here I’ll concur. Our Groucho Potato Heads came in a month ago. I’m sure your 5 year old will be offended by these Cretin models! Does his finer taste dictate whether it should be an Irish Potato as opposed to a Russett?  I don’t think you want the Irish one.  He’s got that hazed look in his eye with beer dribbling down his chin.

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  [for some reason she doesn’t seem to be a pleased customer as she storms out of the aisle with her cart]

Act II

The clerk is at the register very busy with a customer who has a cart full of toy’s. Plus, she has promo discounts to be accounted for along with a couple of coupons which might have restrictions based on what she purchased. During all of this, his supervisor walks up to him. With a clipboard stoically nestled betwixt her bosom.

SUPERVISOR:  Did you have a customer leave a bunch of stuff here?

MERCHANT CLERK:  [infuriated by the timing of the question he barks back]  What? You mean when I was on lunch and someone else used this register? [he looks briskly behind his counter. They both see how clear it is]

SUPERVISOR:  This lady called saying she’s missing a bunch of stuff. Some huge boxes.

MERCHANT CLERK:  [thinking back, he recalls the woman who came through with many huge boxes of baby chairs, etc.]  You mean the lady with the giant boxes whose friend put everything in a cart and walked out?  [noticing his irritation, she walks over to the service desk. He resumes with the customer he’s with. Later he walks over to her as she’s on the phone with the lady claiming she lost a whole lotta’ stuff at his counter. A lot of employee’s are at the service desk as he begins to rant]

MERCHANT CLERK:  How does she lose all of those giant boxes at my counter?!  I assumed the lady putting her boxes in the carts and walking out the door was someone she knew!  [supervisor keeps talking on phone during rant] She was right there!  [he wanders away in a dizzying haze of agitation in the absurdity of being blamed for these missing items. Soon he is called on the loudspeaker to report to the office. Eager to get to the bottom of the mishap, he storms directly there. The supervisor meets him at the door with a printed sheet of the customers items. Many customers are in full view and earshot of thier discussion]

MERCHANT CLERK:  Yes! This first item was that baby chair thing. That was the biggest box. She had like 3 or 4 of the huge items. So what’s the problem?!  Am I supposed to have snuck a couple of these behind the counter when she wasn’t looking? There’s not exactly a good fit for those in my binder shelf! [she nods and he storms off]

SUPERVISOR:  [later, when the two cross paths in the store the Supervisor gives the clerk an answer to the situation] By the way, that lady found her stuff. It was at someone else’s house when her friend shoved all of her stuff in her SUV because they thought they were going to her house instead.

MERCHANT CLERK:  Grrrreat!!!

Act III

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  I’m looking for the doll that goes…well, I want this doll and all you have over there are the African American dolls. Don’t you have any of those blonde white dolls?

MERCHANT CLERK:  We’re sold out. But the black dolls are exactly the same looking. Just a different color.

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  No, I want the white one.

MERCHANT CLERK:  Let me check. [gets on phone. He pretends someone picks up on the other end]  Yeah, I’m looking for the Gestapo Department. Umm…well we’ve had several customers in here who seem to have gotten lost on the way to thier S.S. rally. And much to thier dismay, they’ve been burdened with the prospect of being stuck with only black dolls to purchase for thier little kids imaginary play time. Wait, what was that? Umm…I think she’s aware that not all babies look like thier mother.  What was that again? What if her kids imaginary husband was Pakastani? Yes sir, that would make the doll darker…I mean the imaginary baby.  Haha!!  Yes sir, I’m sure the Nazi’s must’ve known there were more than one flavor at Baskin Robbins!!….

HOLIDAY SHOPPER:  [the customer is suddenly not in a mood for her shot in the arm shopping spree]

MERCHANT CLERK (with narration):  [the clerks legs are killing him. It’s after 12:30 at night and the bus is no longer available to take him downtown. He rests in front of a nearby Jamba Juice but soon gets kicked out by security.  He’s aching so much he takes out his work credentials around his neck and under his Nike sweater to prove the hardship of his night.  A hard driving wind storm has blown everybody indoors on this Friday night. On his long journey home fighting with the elements, he gets pulled over by a cop. Someone in the neighborhood is wearing exactly what he is and is reported as breaking into some houses. “Are you kidding me!” he yells into the darkness. “I don’t have time to break into houses! I”m too busy helping greedy housewives buy everyone’s love!!  Here I am fighting a tornado out here just trying to get home and some bored Ivy League brats are pulling a prank on me!!” After a computer check and questioning, he’s let go. Stumbling into his apartment, he falls on the recliner. He manages to turn on the radio and the Book of Luke is being read. “Unto us a Child is born…”  The Book of Revelations is then read, “I am the Alpha and Omega…”  The Book of John, “by Him all things were made that are made…be ye rich unto good works…where your treasure is your heart will be also…unto you is given the gift of salvation” .  As the radio plays on, for the first time all day, he’s finally feeling that holiday cheer.

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by Paul Marshall, Black November, 2010

    Joy. It’s that time of year again. When all of the vindictive, conniving, greedy housewives come out of thier termite woodwork to demand what frivolous thing they must have. For 60% off. When the most rotten human beings on the planet show thier fangs with bad checks, stolen credit cards and price change bullying. When rich Cougar snobs and thier even more sinister offspring come out of thier cubicle dens and kick a man when they think he’s down. It’s America at it’s covetous best. Where materialism can be satisfied even when this once great empire is bankrupt, politically chaotic, and owned by her Chinese debt collectors. In the end, does anyone ever remember what perishable meanigless dung they nearly killed for to obtain the year before?  And yes, I’m speaking from the merchants point of view. Which is to say, a sanitation worker for the muck of human nature. 

      Nevertheless, with the fame of Christ as the ultimate Star by which this season orbits around, it’s a chance to show love to those who don’t come close to deserving it (all of us apply to that one). Real love. Not sappy, sentimental feelings based Hallmark card love. Any witch or warlock can come up with that pretentious token. But a love that both rebukes those for thier evil and edifies afterwards with the Bread of Life. 

   No man that warreth entangles himself with the affairs of this world. A good soldier is preoccupied with the battle. And winning the battle involves not getting distracted by the enemy. Those who belong to God are soldiers. Therefore, our fight is with those powers and principalities who use money and the many things money can buy to ambush us with the death of our souls. 

    Our American culture of entertainment will be the death of this nation by Judgment Day. One might say, “Yes, but I’m a practicing Jew and keep the Sabbath.”  But what’s the point of religious Jew’s in the media who are reviewing the Hollywood filth for the populous or selling politically motivated books?  That is still being part of the entertainment culture. Make no mistake about it. Talk radio propaganda to get conservatives fired up is operated by entertainers just as much as the leftist’s comedians on cable television. What is more oxymoronic than fundamentalist’s Christian organization’s who are politically active?  Christ died in the minds of the Jew’s in Rome because He refused to become Israel’s or anyone’s political king. He in fact rebuked thier most cherished institutions. 

     By 2010 the American consumerist mind set is such that we can enjoy the kind of access to entertainment and information, that only the rich and elite enjoyed a generation ago. Now, we can be the rock band in a virtual home video game. Now, we can network with people in real time across the globe. Now, we have instant access to information at our fingertips the way a king would snap his fingers to beckon the court jester or get exclusive news on his enemies.  And here we are; kings watching 24/7 football coverage with no clothes and drunk on the power of having what we want instantly.

  Every year all of this comes to a head at the end of our Roman calender. Family gathering’s and angel’s on the tree make people feel redeemed in thier materialist lust. We need repentance. We all need to humble ourselves in sackcloth and ashes. History is coming to an end (www.familyradio.com). Ignoring this fact will not make it go away. Our friends or sexual exploits or superior tech toy’s will not help us forget GOD when hell comes on Judgment Day.

    It is good to be rich. To have the wealth of wisdom and joy and life. Eternal life. These things we covet after in the stores do not foster wisdom. One who is wise does not symbolically trample another human being at a doorbuster sale to buy a flat screen at a rock bottom price. Absolutely no one recieves peace and joy because he now owns a multi-media smart phone which allows him to view porn during class lectures. Eternal life will never be obtained through package deals for pedi and mani spa resort pampering  with all the money you saved when you wrangled an Escalade on a holiday specail.

    “Woe unto the rich, for they have recieved thier consolation. Woe unto you that are full! For ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! For ye shall mourn and weep.”  =Luke 6:24, 25

Lose your life for Christ.  He came down to us to demonstrate His perfection and creative powers.  And to show He is the only giver of  life.  The only giver of knowledge that allows us to appreciate His glory.  The Kingdom of God will inherit everything really soon now.  Let’s all pray in thanksgiving for His mercies.

Order a 10 year collection of essays in my e-book “I Am Thier Musick”.  Donations via PayPal at artz_4u@yahoo.com

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Comments
  1. James says:

    You had me going there until you advertised your book at the end of the post. Ironic, in light of what had come before it? More than a little, I’d say. Sanctimony does strange things to a person.

    • kozmo77 says:

      What exactly is wrong with advertising my book? You read my post because you found it. I allowed you to find a way to my books so you can read those also. FOR FREE. “Freely ye have recieved, freely ye shall give” =Mathew 10:8

    • kozmo77 says:

      LOL I have to admit, the previous wording I had on the last line did give the wrong impression. Just to make it clear, I am not against commerce. I am against the lust for it. Which result’s in the above behavior. That is the whole point of the above post.

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